How I'm Learning to Love Myself

I've thought about writing this blog post for a long time. I finally decided it was something I wanted to do. The picture on the left was about July 2014. The picture on the right was last month. I tried to find a picture for my 'before' that adequately described how I felt during this time... I'm not sure there is a picture that fully puts it into perspective. There were a lot of factors that put me into the position that I was in: I had less than zero self-love. I would actually say that I hated myself. The second factor was my anxiety/depression. The previous three months had been some of the hardest months of my life. There wasn't really anything on the planet that I had a healthy relationship with, but it was especially bad with exercise and food.

I don't know what it was that finally motivated me, but in October 2014 I finally decided it was time. My sister was getting married in June and we were going to California with them shortly after... I made it my goal to make it to my goal weight by our trip to California.

I want to let everyone know that I know that I wasn't grossly obese. The biggest issue was how I was treating my body and my self. I'm still working on the self-love part. I think it will be a constant struggle for me, but I am aware of how important it is. 

The first place that I started noticing a difference was in my face. This is when I very first started (I weighed 156 lbs). My main tactic at the beginning was just nutrition. I knew that if I bombarded myself with a new diet and a new exercise regimen... I would quickly give up. I had to ease myself into it. I also developed a habit of weighing myself... three times a day... I do NOT think this is a healthy habit, but at the time it helped me a lot. Our body weight fluctuates so much, so it was kind of an experiment for myself to see how much it actually changes in a day. I would weigh myself as soon as I woke up, when I got home from work, and right before bed. For the record, I've had my body weight fluctuate as much as three pounds in a day. There is so many factors to our weight that people don't consider. It's also kind of funny because when I first started trying to be more "healthy" that meant I had to drink water... Before this point I was EASILY going without water for a week at a time. The only water my body was getting was anything it filtered out of my soda consumption. Anyway... I ended up gaining a lot of water weight in the beginning because my body was holding on to it so hard.

So here are some the main things that I started doing in the beginning to lose weight:

1. I was weighing myself three times a day (I don't recommend this).

2. I was requiring myself to drink at least 64 oz. of water a day

3. I cut out almost all sweets and junk food (this isn't super healthy either because I would end up binge eating sweets on the weekends).

4. I used my steps counter on my phone a LOT. I was required to get between 15,000-20,000 steps a day (yes this meant I was constantly pacing).

5. This was a huge one... I switched from normal soda to diet soda. I don't want to hear anything about how bad diet soda is for you... I know. I also don't care. It is my one vice that I refuse to give up. Maybe one day I will, but it won't be today. I have cut down though... I use to drink two 44 oz. sodas a day. Now, most days, I have one 12 oz can of soda. If I really feel like treating myself (happens about twice a week haha) I go get a drink from Swig (in case you're wondering: my drink of choice is Diet Coke w/Raspberry Syrup & Coconut Cream). 

This was the first picture of myself that I looked at and said, "Wow. I've lost weight". Seeing this progress gave me the motivation to keep on going. This picture was December 2014, so it took about two months to get to a point that I was noticing a difference. Don't ever expect it to happen overnight. You can do all the juice fasts and cleanses you want... It'll never be real progress. You have to wake up every morning and re-decide that this is what you want to do.

Long story short... By the end of May 2015, I weighed 135.6 lbs (my goal weight was 135 lbs). 

Right before my sister's wedding, I slightly fell off the band wagon. We were crazy busy with the planning of the wedding and the trip. And you know how vacation goes... You eat whatever the heck you want. 

I was mainly able to keep the weight off (I stuck between 138-140 lbs) for a few months. In November 2015, I kinda started noticing that I was gaining weight back. I stayed doing what I was doing (eating generally healthy Monday-Thursday and then binge eating Friday-Sunday) until February 2016. Mike & I decided we wanted to start working out again and try to eat healthier. We started going running in the mornings and doing some weight lifting at home. That kind of worked for awhile, but I needed something to re-dedicate me. Luckily, we started planning a trip to California again and that was exactly what I needed. 

In April, I got the bright idea to do Insanity. This is also when I started taking progress pictures. I will always stand-by the fact that progress pictures are the biggest motivator. Don't expect to see huge differences in the first few weeks, but you'll look back at a month or more and you'll see how far you've come. 

I didn't love Insanity. For one, I'm not an exercise video person. Also, Shaun T is really annoying. If you don't know how Insanity works: For the first four weeks they have you do one set of videos that are pretty hard (or so you think), for the 5th week you do the same video every day (this is your "recovery week"), and then for the last four weeks you do a different set of videos that are pure hell. I hate cardio. That's all Insanity is. While I didn't love the program... It was what I needed to jump start me back into fitness. It reminded me how much I love working out. 

This is me after finishing Insanity. I wish I could tell you that I've stayed healthy since finishing Insanity, but I fell off the band wagon one more time. California threw me off again. I ate so much crap while we were there, and I came home and continued those habits. I started working out again in July. I was just lifting weights at home and then doing an Insanity video if I ever felt like doing cardio (didn't happen very often). Finally, after my birthday in August, we decided it was time to get a gym pass again. We've been going to Vasa since then and I love it. I'm still pretty self-conscious working out around a lot of people, but I'm working on it. Every two weeks, I write myself a new work out. I lift five days a week and I do cardio three days a week. I can't even explain to you how much dedication this lifestyle takes. If you're looking for an easy way to lose weight... This isn't it.

Here is what a typical day looks like to me:

4:45 AM - My alarm goes off (eat a protein bar)

5:00 AM - Be to the gym

6:00 AM - Go home & finish what work outs I have left

6:30 AM - Get ready for work

7:00 AM - Pace around my front room to get steps (I have to get at least 10,000 a day)

7:45 AM - Leave for work

9:00 AM - Eat a yogurt with granola

12:30 PM - Eat lunch (usually something to do with tuna or chicken)

4:00 PM - Eat rice cakes with peanut butter

5:00 PM - Go home

5:15 PM - Go to the gym for Cardio

6:00 PM - Make/Eat dinner

7:30 PM - Meal prep/Get ready for next day

9:00 PM - Go to bed

We don't have much time to just sit on the couch and watch TV... Or really do anything else. I am flexible with this schedule though. I don't want to be one of those people who dies inside if they don't get to their full work out or if I eat 100 calories more than I'm supposed to.

Here are some big keys to my healthy lifestyle (mentally and physically): 

1. I rarely weigh myself (I weighed myself last night for the first time in over a month)

2. I eat as much protein as I can

3. I religiously drink my water. This is the one thing that I'm super strict on. 

4. When I look in the mirror, I don't point out all my flaws to myself. Sometimes I'll start to and then I stop and think to myself "think of how far you've come. think of all the work you've put into this".

5. If I screw up and have a donut... or two... I don't dwell on it and make myself feel guilty. I decide right then that I'll be better and I move forward with my life.

I'm sure there's more that I can't think of... 

When it comes to exercise, find something that you love. You'll never get anywhere if you dread your work out every day. Some people love Yoga, some people love Crossfit, or swimming, or running, etc... I love weight lifting. I could seriously do it all day. I love watching my muscles move and grow. It's addicting to watch that. Even though I love lifting... I still have weeks where I'm just not feeling it. And guess what... I don't force myself. That happened last week. I only lifted once and did cardio once. It was nice to sleep in and then when this morning came... I was so excited to get back in the gym. That's how it should be. If you force yourself to do something... You'll probably end up hating it eventually.

Exercise is my greatest outlet for my anxiety and my anger. By the end of last week, I could tell how much my body needed some exercise. My anxiety was so much worse than normal. I had no energy. I was felt very blah. 

I promise that if you can motivate yourself for the first couple months... You'll start seeing progress and that alone will start to motivate you. Plus, you'll start feeling healthier and nothing is better than that. 

I'm sure there will be more posts down the road on this topic. If you think of any questions, I would love to answer them.

I'm also wondering if anyone would be interested in me posting my work outs? Let me know. Love you all! XOXO