How Do You Even Title a Post Like This?
This post might result in a lot of judgement from both sides of the spectrum. I don't care. The last year has been transformational for me. I feel more like myself than I ever have. It was a freaking hard road to get here. Honestly the hardest year of my life and I have been through some ish. I fought my darkest demons and I did it on my own. I had support from Mike & some close family members, but this wasn't something anyone could actually help me with. I had to figure me out. I failed a lot. I made so many mistakes. I took mostly wrong turns. I don't, by any means, think that my journey is over. We're always looking for the end destination and I've come to realize that's not a thing. And we shouldn't want it to be. This life is about learning. Learning about ourselves. Learning about the world. Learning about the way others operate. And then taking those lessons and growing from them. What's the point of going through hard things if we're just gonna take what we learned and shut our minds off to it and say "yea... no thanks. I like how I am/my life is already".
I'm just gonna jump right in now. I'm not totally sure where this all began. Maybe the day I became a mom. Even though I didn't realize what was happening back then. The day Axl & Harlow were born and the weeks following... and maybe the last 16 months in general... were nothing like what I expected.
They were six weeks early (we figured they'd be early but maybe not that early).
I had a c-section (I had actually kind of hoped for this).
I did not get to hold them when they were born... I didn't even see them till that night and didn't hold them for 24 hours (I had never had a "birth plan". I just knew I wanted to hold them as soon as they were born. I know why this wasn't possible, but still, imagine being with your babies for eight months straight (in utero) and then in seconds... they were just taken from me. I have PTSD from this. Not haha PTSD (which should never be a thing but some people use the term PTSD to be funny... or something) real PTSD. I still can't think about this experience without crying, shaking, and sometimes having a panic attack).
They were in the NICU so we had very few visitors. You always imagine having babies and then your friends & family all coming to visit to meet your new addition(s) and being there to support you mentally and physically... we barely got that. And some people even ended up mad at us about that. Cuz you know... we definitely asked for it (insert heavy eye roll).
For some reason, I had my heart set on breastfeeding (go ahead and laugh). Since both babies were so early, they had to be fed through a tube for about a week and after that, they still had a hard time learning to suck on even a bottle. I pumped exclusively for one month. I was actually producing enough milk for both babies, but that also meant that I was connected to a breast pump. That was ok while they were in the NICU cuz I had plenty of time at home (and the NICU had breast pumps there you could use if desired), but when they came home... it was like having a third baby. I bawled like a baby to Mike when I decided to quit pumping. I felt like I was failing them because I just couldn't mentally handle it anymore. I already felt like I had failed them a million times over because my body couldn't carry them to term to help with all the development they still needed. I was just living with an insane amount of guilt (something I'm still working on).
While they were in the NICU, some stuff going on at home: I had to go the ER. They were having me monitor my blood pressure consistently (the babes came early because I had preeclampsia), and one night I woke up with the worst headache and I was seeing stars. I checked my blood pressure and it was 185/110. I was already on a beta blocker to help with my blood pressure. We didn't actually get my blood pressure under control for a few more weeks. Additionally, my sister-in-law passed away on April 26th (about a week & a half after Axl & Harlow were born). I didn't get to go to the funeral because Axl had just come home from the hospital, so Mike had to go alone.
Axl was in the NICU for two weeks, & Harlow was in the NICU for 18 days. Let me tell you... leaving both of them in the NICU without us was hard. Leaving Harlow in the NICU by herself is possibly the hardest thing I've ever done. Walking out of that hospital without her, broke my freaking heart.
They both came home on oxygen. Harlow was on it for an additional week after coming home, & Axl was an additional two weeks. We had lots of doctor appointments in those weeks. Those were the only places we went because... picture this: me carrying two car seats, two oxygen tanks, & two oxygen monitors when I myself had had a major surgery two weeks prior. Mike would come when he could and my mom came once or twice, too to help. It was all very comical to say the least.
There were other things that factored into our "hard" - things that weren't as big but definitely hadn't been pictured. They both spit up a LOT. They thought Axl had a pyloric stenosis and he had to get an ultrasound on his belly at about 3 weeks old. We tried over five types of formula, different bottle nipples, baby antacids, feeding them in the weirdest positions, holding them up for at least 30 minutes after every feeding... the list goes on. They only completely stopped spitting up in the last few months. They have really sensitive stomachs. I know spit up doesn't seem like a big deal, but when you're already at the end of your mental rope and a baby projectile spits up all. over. you. It usually pushes you over the edge. On top of this, we had been advised by the NICU nurses and their pediatrician that because they had underdeveloped lungs, we needed to keep them at home and not around a lot of people till at least three months. We're overprotective parents so we listened. We had essentially August & September where we weren't as nervous about them getting sick. Then November-April is RSV season so we quarantined ourselves for those months. And, as you know, America-wide quarantine started in March. We have essentially been quarantined for their whole lives *nervous laughter*
I tell you all of this not for pity, but as a really long introduction into where I was at mentally.
I've struggled with anxiety & depression for most of my life, but that did not prepare me for the beast that is PPD and PPA. It was like I had hit a reset button that took me back to when my anxiety/depression got severe and I had had no idea how to handle it. Except this time, I now had two tiny humans that I was in charge of and I was isolated in my home. I tried talking to people about it at first, but I always left the conversations feeling worse than before. I just felt like no one actually understood. My tendency is to turn inwards anyway, so I did just that.
I'll never forget the first night it got bad. Mike was needed at work for a nighttime install so I was doing the bedtime feeding on my own (the first time). We had been trying a new formula that we thought had been working for their stomachs. I'm not sure why this was the feeding that it decided to really not work, but it is what it is. I remember holding Axl and bawling while he writhed in pain from his belly being upset. I was mad. Why was God not helping me? Why would he let this tiny baby be in so much pain? He's never done anything to deserve it. It broke something inside of me. I had called Mike and he had come home as quickly as possible (this happened a lot in the first few months). He ended up taking both babies (that were very upset because their own mother could not calm her damn self down). I laid on our bed watching Mike take care of them because I was physically incapable at that time. I could tell he was carefully composing his face because he was also emotionally overwhelmed but he had to keep it together. I went into our bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. I didn't recognize what was looking back even one bit. You can call me dramatic or crazy or whatever you want to call me... I felt like Satan himself was staring back at me. And I'm not calling myself Satan. I'm saying, the presence in that bathroom was so dark and I felt possessed. Again... call me crazy/dramatic. I don't care. I felt what I felt. I've felt something that dark very few times in my life. Only one other time since (foreshadowing... maybe haha). With the help of some anti-anxiety medication (and lots of emotional support from Mike), I was able to calm down.
Fast forward to January (you don't need a breakdown of every mistake I've made as a mom)... I started questioning my testimony. I was questioning even the existence of God. I felt like I'd been let down by a lot of people over the last months. People that I was sure would always be there for me. I was angry. At myself. God. And pretty much everyone around me. I was also definitely going through an identity crisis. Not only was my anxiety at an all time high, my depression was even higher. I was suicidal. I would spend most of my days thinking about how I would do it. I had it planned down to the point of what I would say in the text to Mike to get him to come home after I was gone so he could take care of Axl & Harlow. I was not ok. I didn't want to talk to Mike because I just felt like a giant burden. I didn't feel like anyone understood. I get so sick of the bull shit "it gets better", "just stay strong", "we all go through something like this", "just think positive thoughts", "have you tried deep breathing?"... I could go on. I was just done. I didn't want help. I just wanted to stop feeling.
I'm just gonna be honest... from here on out is most likely where people will start judging me (religious & non-religious people), so if you feel like you're a judgy person (come on... be honest with yourself)... please exit now.
Fortunately and obviously... I never followed through on my suicidal ideations. BUT... I did start cutting again. Something I hadn't done in almost ten years. I needed an outlet and I've always been one to take it out on myself. I would rather do that then take it out on my babies or Mike. I know self-harm is hard to understand if you've never done it. It gives me a sense of being in control. And, if we're being completely honest, I used it to punish myself. "You've been extra whiny lately" Cut. "You were a terrible mom today" Cut. "You're a terrible example for your kids since you're cutting" Cut. I'll never forget Mike's face when he saw it. I had been trying to hide it but a few weeks had gone by and I'd gotten a bit sloppy. Him seeing it almost gave me permission to cut wherever I wanted. Hiding scars isn't something I've dealt with in a long time. I felt so much shame. I still do. I'm a 28 year old mom with fresh scars on her body from self-harm. Ugh.
I tried some other not so legal things to try and help with my anxiety. It just made my anxiety about a million times worse (I'd be glad to talk more about this in private messages, but I'm not about to document my illegal activities for the whole internet). When that didn't work, it made things even worse. I felt like I was doomed to live in my own hell. I could barely function with how bad my anxiety was.
This resulted in my decision to try drinking again. I say again... when Mike & I were teenagers into young adulthood, we both had a bit of a drinking problem. We stopped drinking for religious reasons and to save our relationship (and liver/kidneys haha). When I decided that I wanted to drink again, I went to Mike and we discussed it. We talked about how the most important things were how it affected Axl & Harlow and how it affected our marriage. We thought that we would be able to handle it. We were stronger as a couple and we thought we had our addictive personalities under control. We set guidelines to try and make it as safe for everyone involved as possible: We decided that we would never drink at the same time so that one of us was always fully capable of taking care of the babes (which included being able to drive in case of an emergency). We decided not to tell anyone about our drinking again until we determined if it was something that was conclusive with how we wanted to live our lives. We also made sure that we communicated about everything. Again, our marriage is number one and we didn't want to do anything to jeopardize it. Every decision we made, we made together. There was no sudden decisions... we talked in depth and at length about everything. Another perk of not telling anyone what we were doing, is that we didn't have to deal with the judgments of those who didn't approve AND we didn't have to deal with anyone pressuring us to drink more. We didn't want any outside people or things influencing us.
Around this same time, I got laid off from my job (not related to COVID). Then about a month after that... quarantine. Guys, my life was a shit storm at this point. I'm not even going to lie or sugarcoat it. I was the hottest of messes. My anxiety was at a high that it had never been at. I was violently angry all the time. I didn't want to be around or even talk to anyone. Drinking was making it worse but I was refusing to admit it. I was struggling with an addiction to other things that I'm not willing to talk about in front of the whole internet. And I was using drinking as a crutch to deal with the other addiction. I wouldn't admit that to myself at the time and that was a lot of the problem. I think Mike only had one beer two times. He was an alcoholic for a lot of years and knew that if he wasn't insanely careful, he would slip back into that. I was drinking 4-6 times a week. Needless to say, we did not have our addictive personalities under control. We've had so many people over the years act like or tell us that we stopped drinking just because our religion told us to. If anything else, this was an experiment to find out that that was absolutely not true. We are not the type of people who can do things a little bit. We have to be more careful than most if we want to stay functioning humans. We didn't want to be alcoholics. Plus, there was a lot of guilt when I would drink by myself and I would sit and watch Mike take care of the kids by himself. And vice versa. There was no part of it that we enjoyed... except the numb mind for me. But that was the exact problem! I wasn't trying to solve my problems... I was trying to numb myself to them. I was running away from it all, and in turn, it was taking me away from Mike and our kids.
The day I decided I'd had enough of my own shit was a really dark day. My anxiety had been unbearable that day. I was doing cardio while the babies napped and for no reason at all, I started having one of the worst panic attacks of my life. I ended up cutting a lot to try and help. It didn't work. I was so mad at myself and what I'd become that I started hitting my head with my fists as hard as I could. I had bruises on my hands & face the next day. I also would rake across my face and neck with my fingernails (this is actually an anxious tendency I've had since I was a kid). I felt like my own mind was slipping away from me. A little voice in the back of my head told me that if I couldn't get myself to calm down, I was going to lose myself. I think I screamed at this point. And then I finally got down on my knees and prayed for the first time in a long time. It wasn't any grand moment, besides it getting me to finally calm down. I got up and went on with my day. I think I drank that night again. Before I went to bed, we went in and checked on Axl & Harlow. This is an exact journal entry from that night: "I went to go check on the babies before bed and I had the feeling to leave my phone in my room. While I was in the nursery, I heard my phone go off very loudly. Between seeing the little ways God is still watching out for me, even when I haven't been living my best life, & being with Axl & Harlow in their room and feeling the strong spirit they have... I knew what decision I needed to make. I went back into my room to talk to Mike. I got so emotional and stumbled over my words, but we finally talked it all over and decided we're not drinking anymore." As soon as we made that decision, I felt lighter than I had in months. I was able to sleep for the first time in who knows how long.
I'm not gonna try and tell you that my mental state has been perfect since or that I've been a perfect person since. The biggest thing is that I've gotten a handle on the "addiction" that I was talking about above and we've stuck to not drinking anymore. It's actually nice to have reaffirmed why we stopped drinking in the first place. I have been drinking coffee occasionally and obviously we've been getting tattoos. Here's the thing... I could explain all my reasoning to everyone but it wouldn't matter. It wouldn't change your opinion of me. Your opinion won't change my choices. There are four people's opinions that alter how I live my life: God, Mike, Axl, & Harlow. And no one gets to tell me God's opinion of me. That's between me and Him. As for Mike and I, we're on the same page. Completely. We will raise Axl & Harlow in the gospel, but instead of putting an emphasis on the rules that can come with that, we will put an emphasis on the love that God has for them.
That is the biggest thing that the last year has shown me; how much God truly loves me. I always viewed Him as this all powerful creator that was just sitting up in Heaven, waiting for me to screw up so He could punish me. I followed a lot of rules for a long time simply because I was scared He would take away certain blessings or make my life harder because I wasn't following Him. I cry for myself now thinking about that. That is not how He wants to be viewed and that is certainly not how He is. Having my own kids is what finally made me see how He sees me. There is essentially nothing that Axl & Harlow could do that would make me stop loving them. I want to love them so hard. I don't ever want them to doubt my love. I don't ever want them to be afraid to come to me with literally anything. I will always be there for them. I could continue on in all the ways my eyes have been opened to God's love for me, but it's starting to feel like an explanation to you all and that's not what I'm here for. Just know that I am good. Better than I've possibly ever been. I'm more content with myself, my relationship with the most important people to me, & where I'm at in life. If you can't be happy for me for that, I don't have room for you in my life. I will no longer make space for people who want me to be something I'm not.
Before I finish, I'm going to toot my own horn for a minute, but also use it as a possible lesson (hear me out). One of my best traits is that I am very self-aware. I follow this page on Instagram (her handle is @enneagramandcoffee ) and she has been talking about the stereotypes that surround each "type" (I am a 6w5 and I am 100% not a 6 without my w5 and 100% not a 5 without my main 6. They are both crucial sides to me). I would never be able to put into as adequate words as she did to describe these parts of me, so I will just be using her words from her recent posts. About a 5, she says, "In my book I chose the title Sound Counsel because type fives have a gift for looking at the world objectively. They are often someone that people rely on for feedback because they're able to look at options and help you think through what would be best for you. The true gift IMHO is their ability to do this without emotional bias." For the type 6 (I find it interesting how related this is to what she says about type 5), she says, "I chose the title Trusted Integrator because, of all the types I need on my team it's a type 6. Type sixes are amazing at holding awareness for what we all could be thinking through. I have rarely encountered a type six who is acting out of their own interests alone. Instead, they operate in integrity of what will truly benefit the group."
I definitely haven't always been this way. It's something I've kind of grown into and also something my anxiety has brought me. I was telling Mike last night that my self-awareness is my blessing AND curse. But as I said, I haven't always been this way. I've definitely made some insanely judgmental calls/comments over the years. I actually just apologized to my best friend for a chastising conversation we had years ago about tattoos. She wanted one and honestly I was probably jealous of the thought of her getting one and me feeling like I couldn't. Instead of explaining that (because there was no way I would have even admitted that to myself back then) I just told her that she absolutely shouldn't do it. I didn't tell her about my tattoos until she came over to my house. I needed to apologize in person first. Come to find out, she also had a tattoo that she was scared of telling me about because of that moment many years ago. That made me feel like shit. I never want to be that person for anyone. I know that I have been in the past but I will do my best to never be that again. I am typically a very black and white person. I am not good at living in between the lines. I'm pretty much this way in every aspect of my life. Again, it's a blessing and a curse. I would get really jealous of people who could live in some gray areas. Instead of asking myself why I was that way or how I could be better, I just got on my high-horse and rode off into my judgmental sunset. Fortunately, I've learned a lot over the years and most of that has been in the past year alone. Parenthood really knows how to slap you in the face with some good 'ole knowledge & life experience.
I'm going to throw an apology out there to anyone I have ever made feel small or dumb or bad for choices they made. I promise that me acting like that was a reflection of myself and the issues I was refusing to cope with than it was of you. I know that doesn't make how I acted any better though. So I am sorry. I am learning and I am growing and I am trying to be the best version of myself. I don't know why we get stuck in this place of refusing to believe that we might be the one who needs to change an opinion or the way we do/handle certain things. Idk. But I refuse to be that way. I will make this promise, I will never stop trying to learn and be better. I will always keep my mind open to different possibilities and ways of thinking. I am not here to stay stagnant in the life that I'm living or the person that I am. I truly want to be the very best version of myself. & I will live my whole life working towards that.
You bet your sweet ass that I have to add the following part in at the end because there was no way that I was ending this with that extremely positive and uplifting statement. Don't get me wrong, I stand by all of it. But I also don't ever want anyone thinking that I'm even close to this bubbly, motivating, upbeat person all the time. Or even very often. There are many sides to me. So with that said:
I also promise to do everything possible in the most sarcastic and possibly irreverent of ways. This life is also not supposed to be boring ;)
Comments
Post a Comment