Getting Real About Pregnancy...

As I sit on my couch writing this post, I have a headache that makes me consistently nauseous. I have had this headache for approximately... 15 weeks (I'm currently 20 weeks along). If we're being completely honest, I'm not sure if the headache is caused by my hormones or the fact that I haven't been on my antidepressants for 17(ish) weeks. Pregnancy is easily the hardest thing I've ever done for many reasons. Do I know that it'll all be worth it when I hold my babies - absolutely. Do I know that the struggles I'm dealing with are the same struggles that other women pray for - sure. Does that knowledge make me feel better right now - nope... sorry. 
As I'm trying to get back into blogging, I made myself a promise... I will be completely honest and raw in everything I write about. That will probably mean I might offend someone from time to time. People won't always agree with me and that's fine. It also means that my posts won't always be super positive, BUT... I will do my best to make you laugh occasionally. And if I can't do that, at least I'm being honest to myself. The world could use a little bit more of that. And honestly, my main goal is to help people know they're not alone in their struggles.
I know that there are other women out there who curse every second of their pregnancy. I've had a select few admit it to me. Overall though, I haven't heard hard pregnancies talked about. Horror birth stories... I've heard enough to fill a book. So my question is why? Why do we feel the need to keep our pregnancy struggles to ourselves? I have my guesses. We don't want to seem ungrateful - especially to the women who haven't been able to conceive. Here's my thing with that... I NEED an outlet to talk about my struggles. Mike is a great listener, but A. One man can only listen to me whine so much. And B. He doesn't and can't fully understand. So not only do I need an outlet to express my frustrations - I bet other women do too! I was completely blind-sided by how hard pregnancy is. People talk about being nauseous, your body changing, and a few other fun side effects, but there is oh, so much more that I had no idea about. So ladies, that's what I'm here to do today... I'm going to talk about the nitty-gritty of my pregnancy; the weird stuff, the scary stuff, and, yes, the beautiful stuff.

Disclaimer: I'm going to talk about nipples, discharge, vaginas, and all of the fun stuff. If you're not up for that... bow out now ;)

The Scary Stuff:
If you've read my posts before, you know that I have anxiety that spans a lot from hypochondria. I knew that for this reason alone, pregnancy was going to be rough for me. Every new little pain had me freaking out that I was going to lose my babies. There were certain symptoms that had me freaking out more than others.
1. Spotting. I know that this is very common in early pregnancy. It's not actually something I had to deal with a lot. It only happened to me once, but it was enough to send me into panic mode. I was probably 6-8 weeks along. All that happened was a little bit of my discharge was a rust brown color. That's it. But man, when you have something inside of you that you're growing... you just want everything to go perfectly for it. I asked the nurse about it at my next appointment and, of course, she said it was completely normal.
2. Stressing about every little thing I put in my body. You've probably heard a lot of the 'don'ts' of eating during pregnancy. I've heard that a lot of them are actually safe to eat now, but just knowing that one little piece of deli meat could make me miscarry... it definitely makes you second guess everything you put in your mouth. So many people would tell me, "I ate that while I was pregnant and my babies are just fine." Cool story bro. That was your decision. My decision is to be as careful as possible and not risk anything. If that means giving up medium rare steaks for nine months, I deem that totally worth it. Yes, even if you ate one and your babies were just fine. These are my babies and I'll do what I think is best for them (that's another fun part of pregnancy - everyone thinks they know best, and you better believe that they're all gonna let you know it).
3. Cramps. I was sure that getting pregnant would mean the end of cramps for nine months, or at least until I went into labor. I was wrong. You get them when you're first pregnant because it's the egg implanting itself. Then... you get them for no freaking reason at all. And every time you (maybe just me) get them, you freak out that you're miscarrying. Pregnancy has also brought a new type of cramps for me - cramps in my back. That's a whole new beast. The cramps, so far, aren't anything unbearable. They simply make me really scared.
4. Vaginal Pressure & (what I've heard called) Lightning Crotch. I think this is something that I'm dealing with so early on because I have two mango's (babies) pushing on everything instead of just one. It first happened when I was about 18 weeks along and it freaked me out. Feeling pressure in my vagina instantly convinced me that these babies were trying to make their escape way ahead of schedule. Fortunately, this is just another side effect that I was unaware of and the babies are still cooking. Lightning crotch is a more sporadic sudden sharp pain in the vaginal wall. It is equally unpleasant but a very different sensation. I am not super fond of either.
5. Getting off my antidepressants. It is not required to get off your antidepressants when you're pregnant. With that said, there is additional risks to the fetus depending on what medication you're on. I've heard that SSRI based antidepressants are safer than others. Regardless, I knew that I wanted to get off mine. I have a lot of different reasons, but mostly, I just want to do what's best for my babies. That's what it all boils down to. I wasn't sure how much I would struggle without them, but I wanted to at least try. Has it been hard? Hell yes. But it's been manageable. For the most part, my anxiety has actually taken a backseat during my pregnancy. It's been a little worse lately, but I've been able to avoid any serious panic attacks. For that, I will count myself lucky. My depression has been... well, hell. I think I've done a pretty good job of hiding it from everyone but Mike. Especially when I was really sick, my mind was a dark place. I don't feel like myself. The normal day-to-day things are hard for me and not for pregnancy reasons. This post isn't about mental illness, so I'm going to refrain from talking about this a lot. I know that this sacrifice I'm making is well worth it and that's what keeps me going. I'm convinced that, on the days where I'm struggling a bit more, the babies move around more so I know they're with me. Between Mike and our babies, I know I'll make it ok.

The Weird Stuff:
This is such a fun section. This list is full of things that are so freaking weird about pregnancy and things I'd never heard of before. These are generally the symptoms that not everyone has to deal with. I know there are some other crazier things that I haven't had to deal with at all, so this is my collection of weird symptoms.
1. Constant stuffy nose that is accompanied with blood. When you're pregnant, your blood volume increases by at least 50% and that puts more pressure on the blood vessels inside your nose (and really everywhere). As for just the stuffy noses, higher levels of estrogen can result in the lining of the nasal passages swelling, which produces more mucus. Another weird thing for me that goes along with this, a couple weeks ago I mentioned to Mike that I am sure my nose has gotten bigger. He kinda laughed and we just moved on. This morning, I decided to Google it. Lo and behold... it's a thing. Glamour Magazine did an article on it that said, "Nose swelling can be due to increased estrogen levels, which helps blood flow to the mucous membranes and plumps up your nose as a result." My nose just looks swollen, like after I had a good cry. I'm glad I'm not crazy haha. 
2. Vaginal discharge. To put it simply, it increases. Your body does this to protect the fetus. The increased discharge (also called leukorrhea) helps prevent infections. This isn't a huge thing, but it's something I had no idea about.
3. Snoring. I think this partly comes from the fact that my nose is always stuffed up. Also, I have two babies squishing all my insides together and I've heard this can increase snoring. I've also read that, during pregnancy, your risk of sleep apnea increases. Mike is convinced that I'm dealing with this. My snoring wakes him a lot (sorry babe) and so he has had some time to watch me sleep. Apparently, I will stop breathing for awhile and then suddenly breathe in like I'm exorcising a demon. This freaks Mike out and it's something that I plan to talk to my doctor about. 
4. Getting more hair (and I don't mean on your head). My hair amount hasn't changed drastically, but I have noticed some small differences. My pregnant belly does have some slight peach fuzz. My arm hair has been growing in a lot darker. Those are the only changes I've experienced, but I've heard of hair growing on women's chests and back. I actually had a nightmare where I grew a hairy patch between my boobs... no thanks!
5. Showers making me dizzy and nauseous. This was a 1st trimester symptom for me. Every single time I showered, my nausea would increase and the room would spin. I hated showering and it even kind of scared me. I looked into it a bit, and it's mostly just from the hot water drawing blood to the surface and also standing for long periods of time.
6. Def Leppard. This one definitely needs some explaining. We went to a Def Leppard concert the end of September, so I was about five weeks along. My nausea had only just stared occurring but it wasn't terrible yet. Then we went to the concert... Our seats were in the nosebleeds, and the sound at Vivint Smart Home Arena is kind of atrocious. I got dizzy from being so high up and the extremely loud noises started my headache (the one that still hasn't gone away). While all of these things are perfectly normal... here's what isn't. To this day, almost four months later, I cannot listen to Def Leppard (a band that was one of my favorites). If one of their songs pops up on my Spotify... I immediately get nauseous and my head hurts even more. I'm literally laughing as I write this because I know it's ridiculous. Hormones can do the weirdest things to us. I just hope that, when my pregnancy is over, I'll be able to listen to them again.
7. Veins. This is another fun side effect that comes from your blood volume increasing. I was plucking my eyebrows on Saturday, and this tiny little vein on my eyebrow bone was just bulging. I'd never even noticed that vein till this experience. I've never had a varicose vein before, but your ability to get them increases during pregnancy because "the uterus puts pressure on the inferior vena cava (the vein that carries blood from the legs and feet to the heart)". (Quote from americanpregnancy.org) You can wear compression socks to help with this symptom.
8. Nipple changes. This has been a fun one. It's pretty self-explanatory. Your nipples get darker, they get weird bumps on them, and they get bigger. I'm pretty sure this all occurs to prepare them for breast feeding. Correct me if I'm wrong. Oh, and you can't forget how sensitive they get! If a stream of water in the shower hits them... I am down for the count. Plus, sometimes just my shirt rubbing on them sends me through the roof. In the beginning, my actual boobs were this sensitive too. Fortunately, that's cooled down a bit. Another related symptom, the skin between my boobs has become very, like, dry and rough. I don't even fully know how to explain it. Sometimes the skin even peels like a sunburn. I haven't looked into this at all, so who knows if it's normal. It doesn't bother me - it's just really weird.
9. Dreams. My weird dreams started as soon as I got pregnant. One consistent dream I've had is that one baby is born but the other baby doesn't want to come out. By the time the second baby decides it's ready, it's twin is already much older. In one dream, the age difference was a few months, but in another dream, the age difference was 2-3 years. This is a recurring dream and I have no idea what it means. My very first dream that actually had the babies in it was two nights before we found out the genders. In the dream, we found out that one was a boy and one was a girl. I totally forgot about the dream until after the gender ultrasound. Apparently I'm seeing into the future now! And I will just say, yes, sex dreams have been way more frequent since I got pregnant.
10. Bleeding/Swollen Gums. When I brush or floss my teeth, my gums just bleed. You might think, "That means you're not doing it enough". Actually, no. I am a religious teeth-brusher and my flossing is pretty consistent. One of our lovely hormonal changes, is that blood flow to the gum tissue increases. This can cause them to be swollen and way more sensitive. I would suggest being a little more gentle with your mouth.
11. Blurred Vision. I have not had to deal with this yet (hopefully I never will), but it's started showing up on my list of possible symptoms on my apps so I thought I'd mention it. Apparently, even though our blood volume increases, later in pregnancy there is not as much blood flow to the brain. This can cause dizziness and blurred vision. Yikes! 

The Heavy Hitters:
This section is the main symptoms of pregnancy that you've probably heard of. They're the most talked about because they are the hardest to deal with.
1. Nausea. If you haven't had morning sickness during your pregnancies, you are one lucky SOB. I was naive and assumed that I would be one of the lucky few... HA! It hit me around week five and obliterated me. It ruined my life till about week 11. I still deal with it occasionally but nowhere near what it was. I could not function because of how sick I was. I went to work and nowhere else. Even at work, I would hear people walk past my office and whisper, "Poor Danielle" because it was evident that I was struggling. I actually lost a decent amount of weight during this time because I couldn't eat anything. I actually only threw up 3-4 times. Before this, the last time I threw up was, like... elementary school. I do not throw up. Mike asked me many times if we needed to go to the hospital. Somehow, I made it through!
2. Headaches/Migraines. I got my first ever migraine during my first trimester. I never want to deal with that again. I've already talked about my ever persistent headache, so I won't spend a lot of time here.
3. Self-Love (or the lack thereof). I've always had body image issues, but they haven't prepared me for what this is like. It's not even my stomach. I can look at my growing stomach and love it because I know there are babies in there. But watching my weight rise breaks me. I am already ten pounds heavier than I've ever been and I'm only 20 weeks along. My face is swollen, my hands are swollen, I can't get a lot of my shirts over my boobs. We all know that I call myself the selfie queen... that's gone. I can barely look in the mirror let alone take pictures of myself. When Mike is out of town, he'll ask me to send him pictures (just of my face) and I cannot do it. I know that I'm pregnant. I know that I'm having twins. That doesn't make these body changes any easier.
4. Emotions. I always thought pregnancy would turn me into a blubbering baby. I'm starting to wonder if your hormones pick your usual strongest emotion and that's the emotion that escalates. Mine... is anger. I struggle being around people more now than ever. Everything is like nails on a chalkboard. I wanna tell people they're stupid and ask them to stop talking. Mike has gotten really good at telling when I've hit my breaking point and he intervenes and takes me out of the situation. I'm positive that my lack of antidepressants is part of the problem. It's been interesting. I don't think I've burned too many bridges so far. If you spend time around me, try not to be too offended when I don't hide my annoyance well. It really is me - not you ;)
5. Tiredness. I have become a grandma. The first trimester was brutal. I would come home from work, fall asleep on the couch, Mike would wake me up for dinner, I would fall back asleep, and then Mike would wake me up to go to bed. It's definitely improved in the second trimester. I only sleep at night, but I am pretty religious about a 9-9:30 bedtime. I get kinda annoyed if I don't get at least nine hours of sleep. Growing two humans really takes it out of you.

Others Worth Mentioning:
1. NO IMMUNE SYSTEM. I actually feel like I should have made this one a higher priority. I had zero idea that this was a thing. While you're pregnant, you're body suppresses your immune system so it won't try and kill the fetus (scary much?). This means that I get sick way easier than normal. So please, please, please be considerate around pregnant women. If you're sick... stay away! I got a cold a few months ago that, honestly, left me feeling like death. And there are very few cold medicines that are approved for pregnancy.
2. Leg cramps. About a month ago, I was woken up by leg cramps in both calves. And I mean the same type of cramp that makes you consider death when you get it in the arch of your foot. Both calves locked so tight and I couldn't loosen them. I was screaming and crying, which woke Mike up. He said he hopes to never be woken up like that again. He came over and helped me flatten out my feet, which released the tension on my calves. They were, I am not exaggerating, sore for a week. I've eaten a banana every day since.
3. Constant back ache. My sciatic pain has been brutal since the early stages. Plus, I also get cramps and muscle spasms in the top to middle of my back. They will wake me up at night and make me want to cry. They say this happens because we get more weight in the front and our backs try to compensate, which leads to strained back muscles.
4. "Pregnancy brain". I don't mention this because it's something I've dealt with. I'm actually convinced it's a myth. I will definitely let you know if I get attacked with it though. I would love to hear any experiences you've had with it though. Maybe you can sway my opinion. In case you don't know what it is, there are rumors that you get more forgetful or even a little dumb while pregnant. They say it's a result of all the hormones. I've read a few articles on it and I'm just super unconvinced.
5. Never feeling comfortable. Being comfortable? What does that even mean anymore? My stomach aches from stretching, or my back is killing me, I might be nauseous or my head is pounding... I just can't remember the last time I wasn't aching somewhere.
6. Food Aversions/Cravings. I actually haven't had any weird or even strong cravings. I feel like the cravings I got while I was on my period were way stronger. With that said, some foods that have stuck with me through this pregnancy are pizza, J Dawgs, Chinese food, Cafe Rio steak salad, BLT from Subway, and french fries. Normally I'm such a sweets person, but not anymore. Food aversions have been a different story... It's not like there are any specific aversions. I just don't want to eat most foods (besides what's listed above). I'm refusing to try any new foods right now because it keeps going really badly for me. I just want to stick with the foods I know sit well. Fortunately, Mike loves pizza as much as me, so we eat a lot of that these days.
7. Sex. I had heard a lot of stories about women constantly wanting sex starting in their second trimester. This was a side effect that I could get on board with. Unfortunately, I am not one of the lucky ones (and neither is Mike haha). Sex scares me these days. And it hurts. Your vagina goes through a lot of changes while your pregnant and that's been a huge adjustment for me. I always aim to be pretty private about Mike & I's intimate life so I'm not going to go into a lot of detail. I did want to mention this though so women know that being a nymphomaniac during pregnancy isn't always the reality. I'm just as disappointed as you. 
8. Peeing constantly (but not really). I will think that I am literally about to pee my pants, I go to the bathroom, and... three drops come out. Oh the joys of babies sitting on your bladder! 
9. Smells. Oh this has been a fun one for me. I already have the nose of a hound dog. Add pregnancy hormones to that and you get a human disaster. The smell of coffee (specifically espresso) pushes me over the edge. I. Can. Not. Do. It. I normally love the smell of coffee and now it tries to kill me. I can't wear any perfume or body spray. Mike has had to change his body wash a few times and he wears his cologne way less often. The smell of most lotions or air fresheners... death. Surprisingly, food smells haven't been hard for me. But heaven help me if someone comes around me that just put a perfume or a lotion on. This hasn't gotten any easier. I'm pretty pathetic about it.
10. People touching me. I don't like being touched. It's that simple. Fortunately, only a few people have dared to touch my stomach and I've done my best to be nice. If I'm pretty comfortable with you, I will allow it, but please don't just assume that I'm ok with you touching my stomach. 

The Final Negative Ones:
I'm not gonna elaborate on these last ones. If you don't know what they are, please do your research so you're not blind-sided like I was.
-Constipation (which can lead to hemorrhoids)
-Your hips stretching
-Stretch marks
-Bloating
-Swelling
-If anything pushes on my stomach, it hurts
-Acne
-You could call it the "pregnancy glow" but there has been no glowing for me
-Not being able to shave certain areas cuz you just can't see/reach it anymore
-Heartburn
-Round ligament pain
-Issues with nerves (tingling in hands)
-Braxton Hicks

The Beautiful Stuff:
Have I been a Negative Nancy? Totally. But then I start thinking about the stuff on this list and I get all warm inside. 
1. Knowing you are growing a human. We deserve a pat on the back for this alone. If you can't tell from the lists above, pregnancy is hard. So hard. It is worth it though. I haven't even met my babies yet and I am still confident that all these symptoms are worth it. It's why I will give up medium rare steaks and cut down drastically on my caffeine intake. I want to grow these humans well.
2. Feeling the babies move. I wasn't sure how I would feel about something moving inside of me. But I LOVE it. I'm starting to feel it more and more every day. It just makes me feel so connected to them. Mike is anxiously awaiting the day he'll get to feel them move too. That moves me right into my last point and, in my opinion, the most important.
3. Feeling even closer to your spouse. I already love Mike more than words can express. My love for him fills me up completely. There is no one that has ever existed that I would rather be starting a family with. I feel privileged to be a parent alongside Mike. I can feel his love for our babies so strongly already. I actually love when Mike touches my stomach, even though I was sure I would hate it. It's him loving the babies through me, and that's pretty beautiful. I have a lot of fears about me as a mother, but I have zero about Mike as a father.

I hope you all got something out of this post. I would love to talk more about any of it with any of you. I want to be here for people who just need to complain about the hard parts of pregnancy (or even just life). I also want to hear your own beautiful stories too. Pregnancy is a whole new, scary world and we need each other to lift us up through it. I want you to have an outlet so you're not holding all your frustrations inside. Please comment or email me if you need someone to listen. I am always here to listen. To anyone.

♥♥♥

Now what you really all came for... pictures of the babies. I had my 20 week ultrasound yesterday. Everything looks great with the babies. I was so fascinated by every little part of them. I love watching them move. Baby Boy was rubbing his feet together almost the whole time, and that's something that Mike does when he sleeps. I love seeing them already share similarities with us. I'm truly obsessed with these babies. I get stressed a lot about many different things, but then I see them on an ultrasound or feel them move inside me and none of the bad stuff matters anymore. I can't wait to meet them.

Baby Girl is currently considered Baby A. They said she is about 11 oz. She is head down and cooperated with the tech beautifully. They needed her to move for something, so they let me move around for a minute. I had a little pep talk with her, and when I laid back down, she had moved into the position they needed. Hopefully she'll always be this obedient. ♥

Baby Boy is currently considered Baby B. They said he is about 12 oz. He is currently breech. His butt is right in his sister's face (haha). The whole time they were looking at Baby Girl, he was trying to steal the show. He also cooperated very well for the tech. He had one hand in his mouth (pictured), and the other hand was holding onto his toes. ♥

I will do my best to keep you all updated on my pregnancy.
Thanks for reading & supporting me!

Love, Danielle ♥♥♥