When Are You Guys Going to Have a Baby?

This post is going to be a little different. I had one topic in mind, and at first it was positive, but in the last couple days I've started to get pretty bitter about some things. I'll apologize now for the negativity but this is something I have to clarify for the world.

I use to like kids/babies. I remember holding my cousins baby, when I was in high school, and crying because it made me so emotional. It's probably been in the past three years that I started struggling with the emotions/thoughts that I'm having. Honestly, I don't know that I want to ever have kids. I always told myself that I had to because it was a commandment to "multiply and replenish the earth". Now, I'm not saying that I don't completely agree with this commandment or that I'm in any way bashing on it. I do think that some people aren't meant to have kids. And don't think that we can't get pregnant so now I'm becoming bitter. Mike & I have never tried to get pregnant. Let me explain where some of my feelings are coming from now:

• It probably all started when I decided to work at a school. Being around kids all day, every day... It started to wear on me. Kids are bratty, and especially nowadays, kids have zero respect for adults. I saw kids disrespect their parents and teachers every single day. At first this wasn't a huge deal and I still loved kids (mainly babies).

• The next step was being put in primary (the first time). As cute as they were, those little sunbeams were just as disrespectful as the bigger kids. And yes, they are still learning. Hopefully they will get better. Being put in primary meant that I was now going to be with kids six days a week, and on top of that, once I got put in primary, no one in my ward knew who I was and I really struggled with that (in now way was this the kids fault).

• I've now watched many friends and family members have kids. I've watched their lives completely change. I've also experienced losing people from my life because their lives became too chaotic to ever spend time with me. I know that this reason is selfish, but that's kind of the point I'm getting at. I am a very selfish person. The idea of not being able to go shopping for myself whenever I want, it makes me mad. I don't want my life to change. I don't want to be the person who doesn't make time for friends and family. I see friends who have been married for two months or less announcing that they're pregnant and it makes me sad for them. For one, you & your husband need time, just the two of you, to grow and strengthen your marriage. I know, I should mind my own business. I really don't care what other people do. If you're ready for kids that early, props to you. Some people were just born to be parents. I don't think I was one of those.

• Here's my last reason that is probably the most important: I do not think that I am mentally stable enough to take care of someone else. When I have a bad day... it's a bad day and I can't snap out of it. My medicine has mostly helped with all that, but the bad days still come. Mike & I had a hard time taking care of a puppy. That was a pretty big sign to me. On top of all that, I am such a hypochondriac. If my baby coughs... We'll be going to the hospital. Or worse than that, sometimes when I'm scared or feeling frustrated... I walk away. I mentally cannot hack it. 

Any time someone asks me why we don't have kids yet, I will continue to tell them we're just not ready. And who knows, we still might have kids one day. No promises. Yes, I am an extremely angry individual, and I probably need to work through said anger. Also, I hope no one was offended by this. It's not aimed at anyone in particular. It's all just my own feelings on what I'm going through right now.

I hope you all have a fabulous weekend!

& I promise Monday's post will be all rainbows and sunshine. (: